like I came to you, begging to cook meth. oh, hey, nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal?
Maybe I would have been something you’d be good at. Maybe you would have been something I’d be good at… But now we’ll never know.
reading bad fanfiction is like listening to the kidz bop version of your favourite song
why is this so accurate
|—||An exasperated comment on BBC’s marketing strategy, part of a nice Martin Freeman interview + (via cosmoglaut)|
so my dorm had an open mic/coffeehouse night and my roommate and I went down because it seemed like it would be fun and also free coffee
and a ton of people turned out and there were a bunch of brilliant acts, and about 45 minutes in this guy comes up like “i’m gonna do some stand-up,” and we’re all like wow this is pretty ambitious
so his first few jokes get a decent amount of laughs, it’s slightly awkward but he’s doing pretty well, and then he goes
"ok so this next joke is kind of weird but i’m gonna tell it" and proceeds to bestow this gem upon the waiting audience:
"So, my girlfriend and I have gotten pretty serious lately and we’ve gotten to talking- she wants to have kids, but I want to conserve my sperm."
*cue confused giggles and one loud whoop, he keeps going*
"Yeah, i’m saving it up so I can have a good sperm meal in the future."