sometimes I get irrationally jealous when is see people being so completely sure of what they are meant to do because I used to feel that and now I don’t feel that anymore and I feel completely lost and not passionless per se but like I have a lot of passions and there is no possible way to channel them all into one stream and reach potential
I was just reading this fic by bendingsignpost and Sherlock explains how his work is important by likening his mind to a tap on the side of a mountain, and all this water flows out all over, just trickling down, but how when he’s doing his work, it’s like it’s all concentrated in one stream and actually doing something, as opposed to when he’s doing anything else and he feels useless
I feel like that, except I don’t even have the knowledge of that one stream where I can feel important concentrating all my energy
I like art but sometimes it feels so self-involved and not intellectual enough, the way I do it. Like, what is it for, besides making myself happy?
and I like biology and anatomy but I feel like I’m not good enough at calculus to ever be competitive for med school and if I didn’t do that I could just major in bio but then what
I like kids and maybe I could teach art if I went and majored in illustration but I feel like my mom thinks that teaching art is below me mentally because she has this view that art teachers are all just failed artists
I know that I’m in an amazing film program but I don’t even feel competitive here because I don’t have this passion to direct or make a whole movie in general I just want to make beautiful pictures and images and that’s not the same thing, and I don’t want to be an editior or work in lighting or sound and most likely that’s what I’m currently preparing myself for.
I like Literature and languages and anthropology and I think I’m good at a bunch of things and I’ve always assumed I would work in art to some capacity, but I really want it to be important as well as intellectually fulfilling and I’m so scared that I’ll never reach that and find my full potential or anything like that
I just feel really lost and like I don’t have passion for anything sometimes, even the things that I enjoy don’t seem important and I’m just literally sitting here waiting for new Sherlock and drawing things that make me sad
I want to be optimistic and say I’ll find it soon but it’ll never come soon enough, I’m already a freshman in college and running out of time and I really wish I could take a year to work or travel and figure myself out but I don’t think my family would go for that and I’d be so out of the loop for life and damn everything