I’m stressing

I came out to my mom last fall and she was cool but idk if she let my dad in on it

And I want to ask her that first of all
Because if not I feel like I need to tell him separately
And even if she did tell him idk I feel like he should hear from me

I don’t think he’ll care but I still feel like I should and I don’t even know how, like I need to do it either next weekend in person or in a card, I just want to do it before October 9th because if I decide to come out on Facebook I don’t want him to be the last to know

Like I know my family will still love me but there are a few people I’m scared won’t understand, like it’ll make things weirdish

And then there are my cousins who still say shit like “that’s gayyyy” a lot, but whom I know are just using the word in ignorance, but i just honestly don’t know if me being out would alter our relationship at all and that means a lot to me

I’m going to see my one aunt in person next weekend and tell her then, since I know she’ll be supportive, and my other aunt lives far away so I’ll skype her

But uhhh

Like idk my family is so supportive and loving but then something’ll happen like grandpa will say he thinks Rock Hudson chose to become gay because he was sick of Hollywood starlets (true story from rosh hashanah dinner) and while everyone will laugh and be like “that’s not how it works” I’m still like what if grandpa finding out would change his opinion of me

Fuk

My mom is trying to talk me out of dyeing my full head over text and I’m like ehhhh I can feel myself feeling guilty though I don’t understand why
like I don’t know why I feel bad for wanting to do what I want to do but I just do, and my moms not even being mean about it she’s just like “don’t so your whole head, what about streaks? Carley has half her head, what about that?” And I’m like I don’t know why I’m letting this influence me

And I’m thinking “maybe just half would be cool and then if I really like it I could go whole” and I’m like “what if my mom knows what’s best for me” and I’m like
I feel stupid for even thinking that because it’s just hair

I feel guilty about a lot of things
And the worst is that I don’t like to be rebellious, I never try to be rebellious and I like to make my parents happy
But i just sit here and think about how even though I’ve never tried to rebel at all all I’m that bisexual feminist film student kid with the shortish hair that’s gonna be dyed a funky color
And how if i come out on Facebook this year everyone in my extended family is gonna know and then they’ll be like wow Corinne gets weirder every year

But I don’t try to be weird or anything it would make me happy just to make everyone’s life easy
And my attitude about myself is so toxic in that one respect

I don’t know sometimes I feel like I should go see a counselor and just talk to them about it
Through school you’re entitled to see a school counselor once a month for free and I feel like maybe I need to try it once I don’t know why I feel like I’m disappointing people when I do things that aren’t even an inconvenience to anyone else

sometimes I get irrationally jealous when is see people being so completely sure of what they are meant to do because I used to feel that and now I don’t feel that anymore and I feel completely lost and not passionless per se but like I have a lot of passions and there is no possible way to channel them all into one stream and reach potential

I was just reading this fic by bendingsignpost and Sherlock explains how his work is important by likening his mind to a tap on the side of a mountain, and all this water flows out all over, just trickling down, but how when he’s doing his work, it’s like it’s all concentrated in one stream and actually doing something, as opposed to when he’s doing anything else and he feels useless

I feel like that, except I don’t even have the knowledge of that one stream where I can feel important concentrating all my energy

I like art but sometimes it feels so self-involved and not intellectual enough, the way I do it. Like, what is it for, besides making myself happy?

and I like biology and anatomy but I feel like I’m not good enough at calculus to ever be competitive for med school and if I didn’t do that I could just major in bio but then what

I like kids and maybe I could teach art if I went and majored in illustration but I feel like my mom thinks that teaching art is below me mentally because she has this view that art teachers are all just failed artists

I know that I’m in an amazing film program but I don’t even feel competitive here because I don’t have this passion to direct or make a whole movie in general I just want to make beautiful pictures and images and that’s not the same thing, and I don’t want to be an editior or work in lighting or sound and most likely that’s what I’m currently preparing myself for.

I like Literature and languages and anthropology and I think I’m good at a bunch of things and I’ve always assumed I would work in art to some capacity, but I really want it to be important as well as intellectually fulfilling and I’m so scared that I’ll never reach that and find my full potential or anything like that

I just feel really lost and like I don’t have passion for anything sometimes, even the things that I enjoy don’t seem important and I’m just literally sitting here waiting for new Sherlock and drawing things that make me sad

I want to be optimistic and say I’ll find it soon but it’ll never come soon enough, I’m already a freshman in college and running out of time and I really wish I could take a year to work or travel and figure myself out but I don’t think my family would go for that and I’d be so out of the loop for life and damn everything

I don’t think the thing posted the other night but the reason I’ve been totally gone is that I’m away from home until Sunday and the wifi has been crappy!

I’ll be back to normal then, at least until college move in day
Life is going to be crazy until the end of the month

Also Update: the doctor called back with the second test results last Friday and I do not have mono???

It was just a really killer combination of some sort of digestive problem, an awful sinus infection that I’m still trying to get rid of, and anxiety about college. I generally just felt really listless and depressed, like food lost all appeal and I felt so sad and all I could think about was his my life is changing and oh change is bad!

So I was basically displaying ALL the symptoms, mentally and physically, and it was a huge fakeout.

But I’ve been feeling better this week and hopefully I’ll keep feeling better, so I’m really happy.

I had the weirdest experience last night
I took a spoonful of robitussin because I was congested
But then I couldn’t sleep, it was more like I was fading in and out of awareness all night

Like at one point I thought I was falling asleep and then some length of time later I looked at the clock and two hours had passed and I realized I’d been mostly awake the whole time

And then my mind was racing but not like with thoughts
It was like I was playing animal crossing in my head wtf
It was so trippy holy shittt


Then this morning we went to see Wolverine at ten frickin am because my mom is in love with Hugh Jackman enough to drag us all out as a family AT TEN AM
I slept like 2 hours last night
But I did it

I feel so shitty but I’m really glad I went, it was good C:
Also spoilers for after the credits scene


SIR IAN MCKELLEN <333
And Patrick Stewart
So exciteeee

Recently I’ve felt like semi-chronically nauseous and weak and it’s so fucking annoying

Like I don’t know if it has to do with the heat but it’s more frustrating than I can put into words because I feel like it’s impeding me from doing fun things with my friends and actually fucking enjoying my summer

Like actually it’s just impeding me from having a single decent day

I hate it I hate it I hate frickin everything
I’m supposed to go to the city with my grandparents and sister and aunt tomorrow but I can’t be happy about it, all I can feel is anxiety that I’m going to get sick and fucking ruin it and That’s probably making me feel even worse and I

HATE
EVERYTHING

I WAS PLAYING ANIMAL CROSSING AND I FORGOT IT WAS FLEA MARKET

LONG STORY SHORT I ACCIDENTALLY LET STATIC BUY MY PRECIOUS GOLDFISH FOR 17 BELLS

I was so angry and I went to the river in a rage to try and catch a new one even though they’re rare and it would take me all night

And then as I was angrily perusing the riverbanks I saw static and he came up to me as said he’s sell me something for 3,000 bells

And I just didn’t care anymore so I was like sure whatever

AND I CHECKED AND IT WAS MY PRECIOUS

About to get my wisdom teeh out

Bugger bugger shit fuck ass fuck fuckity buggering fuck

And tits